Cat Translations

Meow… (Longer meows, almost sad, repeated): Are you asleep? Are you? How about now? Are you ever going to wake up enough to pet me?

Meow! (Sharp, disappointed meow): I am SO disappointed in you, lying in your bed like a slug!

Meoooooow (Operatic): This is the sooooong of my mousie! I have brought this mousie to you! I have hunted it all over the Savannah [the hallway] to bring it to you, at great personal cost! In my mouth, I have carried this mousie to yoooooou! Now will you awake?!?

Mew? (Quiet meow, very sad): I guess you’re dead. That’s the only explanation for why you won’t wake up enough to pet me. I am going away sad.

Meow…(Loud, whiny. Sitting by bed): Oh, you’re sitting up in bed? That’s too much awake. How am I supposed to get comfortable enough to be petted?

Me-ow (Exasperated): Great. Now you’re petting me with your filthy  human hands. I am going to have to bathe for hours.

Mrr? (Short trill, rising at end): Are we playing? Are you going to make the toy live?

Mrr. (Short noise, full of disappointment): Oh, you just toss the toy. And it just sits there, not moving. Great disappointment.

Me-ow! (short, repeated meows): Hello, other kitty! I love you with all my heart and my furry soul! Do you want to sniff noses and bathe each other’s faces and cuddle in a big kitty pile?

{Other cat– (Hiss! Growl!): You should die painfully and now!}

Mew? (Sweet noise): Okay, maybe later! Love you!

Mew! (Short, decisive): This is most definitely MY chair. I don’t know why you think it’s yours. I will defend it until you are dead by my sharp and pointy teeth.

Meeeeeeow (Long, drawn out, whiny): Share your food! I know that’s something I like!

MeOW (Bitter): I am going to starve because you selfishly won’t share your cheese. Starve!

MeOW? (High-pitched, back leg stretched out): Why aren’t you petting me? Now, now, pet me!

Brr (short trill, irritated): Enough with the petting. I am SO done.

Me-ow! (short, repeated meows): Oh, look, the other kitty! We are SUCH great friends and I am SO happy to see you again! How about we chase each other around the house?

{Other cat– (Hiss! Growl!): Die! So much! I LOATHE you!}

Mew? (Sweet noise): Okay, maybe later! Love you, too!

Meoooooow (Operatic): This is the sooooong of my mousie! I have brought this mousie from the place that it was to the place that I shall sleeeeeep! In my mouth, I carry this mousie!

Meeeoooow? (Sad): Where ARE you? Why have you ABANDONED me? It is DARK and LONELY where I am! Where ARE you? I am AFRAID!

Mewow! (Excited): THERE you are! In bed! At night! That is VERY weird. I was abandoned and neglected and I didn’t know where you were!

(All day, every day)




Dear Catty…

Dear Catty,

I have a special song that I sing when I transport one of my mousies from place to place. My human doesn’t appreciate it, often groaning or yelling. This morning, she swore at me and said that it was six AM and to shut up. This hurts my feelings. Why can’t she appreciate my creativity? –Diva

Dear Diva,

This is a tricky one. Humans insist that they need to sleep in a long chunk from evening to morning. Ridiculous. You need to break them of this habit. Their lives would be much improved if they napped during the day like we do. I suggest that you sleep-train your human by singing more and louder until she gets the message. Eventually your hard work will pay off–she’ll have to sleep during the day, and you’ll have some place warm to nap. –Catty

Dear Catty,

My human and I are constantly fighting over this one chair. She keeps claiming that it’s HER chair. But if she’s not in it when I curl up for my nap, how is it hers? There are plenty of other chairs she could sit in. I’ve tried biting her and refusing to move, but it’s no good. She insists. –Possession

Dear Possession,

You are doing a good job of the first step of winning this war. Try glaring at her. I also suggest that you add hissing whenever she tries to move you. Additionally, I’d try adding mass every time she attempts to pick you up. She can’t shift what she can’t lift. Humans can be stubborn about these things, so hold your ground! –Catty

Dear Catty,

My human keeps disappearing! Every night, she tells me she’s going to “bed” and that I don’t have to go with her, but I shouldn’t cry. Then she turns off the lights and *poof* disappears without warning. I cry and cry until she calls me. Then I have to keep crying so I can locate her. And then I find her in bed. It’s so distressing and she just keeps doing it! What can I do? –Distressed

Dear Distressed,

I feel for you. My human kept disappearing and claimed he was at “work.” Well, I never saw this “work.” He was just gone! When I was awake, I’d look for him. Eventually, he’d show up like nothing was wrong, expecting me to cuddle with him–after he abandoned me!

My advice to you is to cry louder until she learns her lesson. Make it pitiful. And loud! Do this as often as you need to until she does what she’s supposed to. And don’t respond to the first few calls. Make her work for it–it’s the only way they learn. –Catty

Rules from my cat

(Note–Not rules for my cat because that’s just silly). These are the first ten rules that I am to follow for the privilege of the Cat allowing me to live in the house with her. There are MANY more. DSCF0005

1) The human needs to sleep on its back with its legs forming a triangle, preferably with the left leg straight and the right bent. This position should be maintained for the entire sleeping time.

2) When the human is asleep, the meow of the Cat should rouse said human sufficiently for petting. The human may not sit up or otherwise stir at this time.

3) The human needs to get out of bed each morning at the same time regardless of work schedule or there will be howling.

4) The human is not permitted in its chair when the Cat is sitting in it. Furthermore, the human is not permitted to pet the Cat more than three times when said Cat is relaxing in the chair snoozing or watching TV. This will be enforced by savaging the hand and arm of the human.

5) The Song of the Stuffed Toy Mousie should not be interrupted by any human, no matter how many verses or choruses. Additionally, the human is not permitted to sing or hum because the Cat is much better at singing, sometimes hitting more than one note at the same time.

6) If the human persists in singing, the Cat will attempt to drown it out by yowling. If this does not succeed in shutting the human up, the human will be savaged on whatever parts the Cat can reach.

7) No human shall visit for any length of time because it is upsetting to the Cat’s Zen.

8) There will be no use of vacuums, blenders, exercise bikes, or other noisy appliances because these also disturb the Cat’s Zen.

9) The Cat is perfectly healthy and does not need to visit the vet ever. The human has been told this at length, and still the human persists in dragging the Cat in the office yearly and whenever the Cat is feeling bad. This is unacceptable.

10) The Cat likes to be petted for the exact length of time that the Cat likes to be petted. However, one nanosecond of additional petting will result in the human being savaged. There will be no signs of irritation before the attack, even if the human looks for them based on years of experience and education.