Things I’ve Learned about Aging From Commercials

The best news is that I can join Aarp! Apparently, this doesn’t have anything to do with being retired or getting creaky, or even being one of the biggest lobbying groups in the US, but instead stands for the Association of American Rockin’ People. Seriously, these folks are far more interesting than I.

Unfortunately, along with this comes low T and menopause (not in the same person, usually). From what I can tell, low T means that men can’t play basketball as well as they used to, which is, you know, a bummer. It may also lead to taking Viagra, which means that men have to play in an easy-listening garage band. Menopause, on the other hand, means that women look stressed and fan themselves. If so, I’ve been in it since junior high.

Women also have to deal with bladder issues (Men must as well, but they don’t have as many ads for them for some reason). This can be fixed in three ways. The first is a pill that makes one’s cute, external, sentient bladder stop being such a jerk. For some reason, it doesn’t make the bladder internal again, just makes it more agreeable–a plus, I suppose. The second is a little tampon thing, in case a woman didn’t get enough of that before menopause. The third solution is Depends, the main side effect of which is mandatory dance classes. I’m not sure why.

Women also get fragile bones. You’d think this would be a major problem, but nope! Not only will I become as beautiful and talented as Blythe Danner, but I will also become tall, thin and glamorous! Since I’ve never been any of these things, I’m quite excited.

Older folks also require canes or motorized scooters. I’m not going to be bummed about this, though, since both of these items appear to come with free trips to the Grand Canyon. I’ve never been, so I’m looking forward to that.

At some point during the aging process, I will start to fall a lot and/or have my heart stop without warning. Possibly both at the same time! This might seem like a major bummer, but as long as I’m wearing one of those alert button, I’m golden. I can even travel, which will be nice for my Grand Canyon trip.

After all that excitement, I’ll have to live in an old folks home, which seems like it would be sad, but I’m not going to despair. Retirement villas are great! They have walking trails with gorgeous gardens and forests to stroll through. There are also cooking and art classes, singing and dancing. It’s like university, but without all of those pesky student loans! It sounds delightful and I’d like to go now. So much more fun than my current life.

However, death visits us all. Commercials are curiously mum about what exactly is in store for me there. A cynical person would say that it’s because no one’s figured out how to make money from the transition from one state to the next (but I’m assuming that PODS is working on it as we speak). However, afterwards, my friends and family will gather to discuss what a deadbeat I was, leaving them in penury. Having them shipped to debtors’ prison just because I didn’t get life insurance, but what do I care? I’ll be dead.

All in all, aging looks terrific!


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