Things I Say When I’m Driving*

*Minus the profanity. That’s a given.

  1. Oh, are you turning? If only there was some way to signal that.
  2. Why are you slowing down for the green light? That’s what the yellow light is for.
  3. What are you doing?!? Why would anyone do that?
  4. Turn signal!
  5. No, I’m next. That’s how a four way stop works. Yes, even though I’m turning left.
  6. Why are you in my lane? It’s mine. You have your own lane. Be there.
  7. Green means go. Hello!
  8. I think maybe you need to go back to drivers’ ed.
  9. Perhaps you shouldn’t be doing that in the car?!? (This applies to applying make-up , getting dressed, eating soup, talking on the phone, texting, and doing paperwork, all of which I’ve seen).
  10. No, no, no, no!
  11. Stay! Good car.
  12. Is this your first time in a motor vehicle?
  13. How does that make sense to anyone?
  14. Please don’t rear-end me. Because I will die and you’ll be inconvenienced.
  15. Well, that was interesting.
  16. Are you turning any time soon? Then turn of your signal. Oh, you are turning. Thanks for the two mile warning.
  17. Why are you doing that?
  18. Do you know what the speed limit is? Because I do. That’s why I’m going this speed.
  19. In some places, tailgating me like that makes us officially married.
  20. I can’t go any faster. Can you see the enormous truck in front of me? I can’t be where that truck is. Do you not know your physics?

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