Rules for the Cinema

  1. We’re all in one line here. Do not attempt to jump the queue because the cashier asked for the next customer. You’re fifteenth in line. You aren’t next. Also, we aren’t doing three lines; we’re doing one. Getting in line behind one of the people at the check-out doesn’t make us all think that you’re clever. It makes us want to garrote you with a fifty-eight dollar box of Twizzlers. Especially after the system’s been explained to you by you wife/carer and you try to do it again.
  2. Don’t talk beyond an occasional low-voice comment to your friend. You should not yell at the screen, talk on your cell phone, or, as happened behind me once, narrate the movie for the stupid. “Oh, he’s picking up that baseball. I wonder what he’s going to do? Oh, he’s tossing it up in the air. Now he’s caught it. And he’s throwing it again, just over and over. Now he’s looking in the desk. What is he going to find there? Oh, it’s a book. He’s says it’s a ledger. What’s a ledger? Oh, it’s a book!” I nearly throttled that woman. I can’t think of a judge or jury who would have convicted me.
  3. Please don’t look at the lit screen of your cell phone at any point during the film. It’s dark in here; we can see you. In fact, let me clarify: It’s like the sun has left its orbit and shrunk down to glare directly into my face. I loathe and repudiate you and all your works. Frankly, if Deadpool isn’t exciting or entertaining enough for you, life obviously has no meaning and you should probably think about poisoning yourself with carbon monoxide. You can stare at your stupid lit phone until you breathe your last.
  4. If your cell phone goes off during the movie, the audience is allowed to confiscate it and do something quite uncivil with it. Fair warning.
  5. Big headed people should be forced to sit in the back. This also applies to tall people and those who wear hats the whole time. If that’s not acceptable, you may choose beheading as an alternative.
  6. Perhaps, if you’re unable to sit still through a two hour movie, you’d be better off renting so that you can pause as often as you need for your frequent trips to go to the bathroom, talk on your phone, or learn salsa dancing–whatever it is you’re doing on those forty-seven trips in and out. My elderly mother who has a bladder the size of a sippy cup managed to stay in her seat, so I don’t know what your problem was.
  7. I’d mention the inexplicable under-tens who were brought in by their parents to see the ultra-violent, sexy, and sweary Deadpool, but since they were some of the best behaved audience members, they get a pass.
  8. If you’re not going to stay through the credits, then leave. Don’t get up realize the credits are cool and remain standing to watch them. See, we’re in a public place, and the people behind you can’t see through you. Either sit down or leave. Make a decision, for the love of all that’s unholy (this is Deadpool, after all). Otherwise, we might have to make the decision for you. It might involve amputation.
  9. All food is going to make some noise. But your crinkling of plastic, paper, or what I can only assume was bubble wrap needs to be quieter than the very loud action movie we’re trying to hear. And if I can hear your chewing, according to the Geneva Convention, management is allowed to waterboard you. It’s the only exemption.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, I enjoyed the film immensely. Well, the parts I could see around Mr. BigHead.

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